Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.

   Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.

   If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.

   What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.

   Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.

   Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.

   laughing at your pictures

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !

   what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican.

   If you fart while you're peeing on your significant other, it's called a golden thunderstorm.

   If anything should offend you about Starbucks, it's the price of their coffee.

   So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"

   The White House Tuesday argued "President Barack Obama's "steady diplomacy" had made America stronger and renewed its moral authority in his first year in office"..............WOW that kool aide they drink IS Powerful STUFF!!

   Witnessing such a massive destruction in Japan, and so many lives taken in seconds should make us think about how fragile we are. God have mercy on us.

   Immigration puns are funny but they cross the line.

   will be giving a live performance today...shower curtain goes up at 5 exactly so be there.

   What's the difference between a Mu$lim and a vampire? At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad, and left with my mom.