Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

   Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

   Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

   Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.

   laughing at your pictures

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !

   what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican.

   If you fart while you're peeing on your significant other, it's called a golden thunderstorm.

   If anything should offend you about Starbucks, it's the price of their coffee.

   So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"

   The White House Tuesday argued "President Barack Obama's "steady diplomacy" had made America stronger and renewed its moral authority in his first year in office"..............WOW that kool aide they drink IS Powerful STUFF!!

   Witnessing such a massive destruction in Japan, and so many lives taken in seconds should make us think about how fragile we are. God have mercy on us.

   Immigration puns are funny but they cross the line.

   will be giving a live performance today...shower curtain goes up at 5 exactly so be there.

   What's the difference between a Mu$lim and a vampire? At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad, and left with my mom.

   Bath tubs - 2, Houston's - 0.

   Got a problem with me?? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'?? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me?? Sit back down. Can't face me?? Turn the hell around.

   Dear Fox News, So far no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed

   having trouble watering the plastic plants