Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.

   My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.

   Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.

   If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.

   What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.

   Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.

   Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?

   Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .

   Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.

   Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.

   Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.

   The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

   With this election it is easier to scream at the enemy than it is to own your embarrassment

   Wednesday I will have 50% less friends on Facebook.. let's see who makes the cut

   I'll never delete another email again. Just Twitter.

   And that's why some people shopuld never play poker

   No matter who wins the election the government always gets elected

   don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aides..