Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only wishes Twitter gives out verified badges as easy as Tinder has given out STD's.

   Porn is more American than apple pie! Mostly because apple pie is Dutch.

   Writing silly jokes here instead of calling my parents to find out how they've been these past 3 months. Am I still in the running for the Child Of The Year award?

   It's not me !! It's you. Why would you not have WIFI? Modern day relationships.

   The mosquito subletting my apartment seems to find me delicious.

   After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.

   My rags to riches story is going from Top Ramen to $12 Ramen with an egg in it.

   Just said some pretty harsh things about this gymnast falling off the uneven bars considering I've fallen out of my bed before.

   Haven't been to war, but I've been to a water park where "fun" is climbing rope ladders barefoot while buckets of water are dumped on you.

   Honestly tho.... 63% of my day is spent inconspicuously making sure I'm not wearing any articles of clothing inside out or backwards.

   If you're going to fight with your spouse at the grocery store, I'm going to put on a rally cap and start cheering for whoever is losing.

   Drugs are bad but if there were ever a reason for cocaine, it would be having kids.

   I bet the same guy who named the fireplace named leftovers.

   Amazed to hear Hooter's had a free wings for mom on Mother's Day because nothing makes mom prouder than letting her know she raised a cheapskate and a perv.

   Congratulations Leonardo DiCaprio you are now qualified to do Lincoln Town Car commercials!!!

   Absolutely need to work on my social skills. To avoid sitting in a restaurant, I just called in a pickup order from the parking lot.

   If my extension cord ever gets tangled with my ear buds and Christmas lights, I’m really screwed.

   One really positive thing about 2016 is that it has to end.

   Most murder victims are killed by someone they know. So stay safe by living a life of heartbreaking solitude, devoid of human contact.

   I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.