Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.

   Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.

   Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)

   My memory is so bad that.............

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.

   I could probably sleep my way to the top....if sleeping actually had anything to do with it that is to say.

   The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?

   Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

   I finally finished my 2017 Thanksgiving leftovers. And in 22 days, it starts all over again.

   My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.