Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?

   While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

   I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

   Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.

   Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife I turn all of the shampoo bottles right side up in the shower.

   Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now

   My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

   Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

   COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

   People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

   Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up

   ME: [holding door for wife] WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?

   [Alien vs Predator] Alien: I can eat your face off Predator: I'm not allowed within 100 feet of a school

   You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

   Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

   I think Cinderella purposely left her shoe at the castle just like Side Chicks always seem to be leaving their panties.

   I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

   Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

   I'd like to send a sympathetic Christmastime shout out to young kids these days who see a really cool toy on TV, but will never get it because their parents must be 18 or old6er to call.

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.