Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.

   I could probably sleep my way to the top....if sleeping actually had anything to do with it that is to say.

   The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?

   Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

   I finally finished my 2017 Thanksgiving leftovers. And in 22 days, it starts all over again.

   My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

   My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

   Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.

   I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   my New Year's resolution is to exercise (my right to be lazy)

   Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough, that's why we have two hands.

   If you think about it, a boxing match is really just someone trying to count to 10 but they're constantly being interrupted by a fistfight between two other people.

   Apart from shopping and other men, what do women want ??

   instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

   Why are all the porn sites down at the same time? What am I suppose to do now, my job?

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles on repeat.

   Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

   Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory No weirdos