Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.

   It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.

   Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.

   The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.

   There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

   I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

   New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.

   *checks real estate listings on other planets*

   If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*

   Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)

   My memory is so bad that.............

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".