Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know, it's just like some clowns to give Ronald McDonald a bad rap running around all creepy like. . .

   Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.

   In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.

   Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.

   Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.

   For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.

   Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."

   The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.

   When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.

   can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?

   Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..

   Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?

   whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .

   Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".

   If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it

   Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.