Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"

   My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

   Imagine a world where everyone looked like their profile pictures.

   I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.

   It's not every day you're woken up with a blow job from a beautiful woman. And today was no different.

   My favorite way to ruin a romantic evening is by coming out of the bathroom naked and singing Love Boat until the waiter asks us to leave.

   How you all like the new page?

   people worry about their "summer body" but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

   If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

   I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.

   Garfield: I hate Mondays Therapist: You don't even have a job

   As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering

   spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the app so I may need new meds..

   My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

   the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

   My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years

   Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.

   I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

   The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

   My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.