Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

   Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"

   Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   A man of few words is a married man.

   Someone says I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)

   It's better for people to think you're a fool then open your mouth and remove all dout.

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   Taking viagra for my sunburn.... Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.

   I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.

   If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.

   What is it that you have that other people use more often than you do?....... Your name :)

   Have you solved the PUZZLE or are you still looking for the pieces ?

   Do squirrels ever die from old age or are they all murdered?

   Dictionary the only place where divorce comes before marriage.