Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   I feel safer knowing the Democrats are trying to make a watch list for people on watch lists..

   Your "Restroom For Customer Only" sign means nothing without a lock.

   Don't think I should wear my heart on my sleeve anymore....because that's usually where I sneeze and wipe my nose.

   I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.

   You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.

   Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.

   There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.

   My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

   Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.

   Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.

   Just took a Sex And The City character quiz tonight and got the bored boyfriend who was forced to watch.

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning

   Thank god our Founding Fathers didn't decided to declare independence in winter, it's BBQ and beach time!!!

   Say NO! to drugs. Say YES! to drugs. It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.

   So we wear the hazmat suit while watching the Rio Olympics correct?!?!