Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars 
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.
Revenge is a dish best served eventually
It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
OK. So Donald Duck never wore pants, but when he steps out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?
If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.
Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.
I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.
Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.
When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.
t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window
It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.
Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans. 