Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.

   It always seems impossible until it's done

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   I like sleeping because it is kind of like being dead but without the commitment.

   Justin Bieber looks like he needs to be cast in a Home Alone movie.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese restaurant that never closes and call it "Twenty Pho Seven."

   If I had a penny everytime that I thought about you, my pants would fall down.

   I bet toilet paper rolls in CIA offices all have the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   I was thinking about the wikileaks revelation that the cia records people through their cell phone. It occured to me that they must have millions upon millions of hours of nothing but the sound of a toilet flushing.

   I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   Mrs. Huxtable is not gonna be pleased.

   Hi ho hi ho off to jail Bill goes

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe 'Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?'

   If you put a little red vest and a leash on your bowl of queso you can take it anywhere.