Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars

   I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

   Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!

   To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

   Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.

   Revenge is a dish best served eventually

   It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime

   Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

   When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.

   can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?

   Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..

   Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?

   whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .

   Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".

   If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it

   Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.