Sean Funny Status Messages

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret

   Words to live by: If your outflow is greater than your income, then your up-keeps guna be your downfall

   Some relatives are like seeing Santa; you only care to see them once a year.

   Sometimes I wonder if my homeowners insurance will cover the destruction my 3 and 5 year old can do in a short period of time, I look at the mess and think to myself- Had an F5 hit my place- at least the debris would be in my neighbors yard

   For her birthday she told me to get her something she could use, She must not of liked the Summers Eve, I havent heard from her in days

   the one thing that annoys me about Disney films is that inanimate objects don't break out into song and dance nowhere near as much as they do in the films and when they do no one else is around to see. 

   Just found out my "Sleep Number" is good Old Number 7 good ole Jack Daniels

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.

   Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....

   The saddest bachelor parties are the ones where they didn't realize the girl goes in the cake AFTER it's baked.

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.