Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there anything I can destroy or eat in here? No? Well, you’re lucky to have me. ~ The Cat

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   The phrase "bang for your buck" isn't what I thought it was.

   Everything hits different when you’re not supposed to be doing it.

   There are two kinds of people when you explain that all drugs should be legal.

   The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

   You take the blue pill, the election ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you dispute the fraud and I show you how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

   Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive.

   When hanging toilet paper, remember beards are cool, mullets are bad.

   I have one nerve left, and you’re dry humping it.

   Every time that you spend money, you’re casting a vote for the kind of world you want.

   Tweaked my neck sleeping and threw my back out sneezing. I’m probably one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

   When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.

   Wish there was such a thing as a biscuits and gravy truck, and it played bluegrass music over the loudspeaker when it drove through neighborhoods.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   When people talk about traveling to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small, but no one in the present thinks that they can change the future by doing something small.

   Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “skip intro,” when they start talking to you.

   Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct, and star in.

   My girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.