Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.

   You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.

   Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.

   There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.

   My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

   Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.

   Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.

   Just took a Sex And The City character quiz tonight and got the bored boyfriend who was forced to watch.

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning

   Thank god our Founding Fathers didn't decided to declare independence in winter, it's BBQ and beach time!!!

   Say NO! to drugs. Say YES! to drugs. It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.

   So we wear the hazmat suit while watching the Rio Olympics correct?!?!

   If we can't put aside our differences in an interracial porn section what hope do we have for the real world?

   .... Ya ....... When my lady says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have barely just enough time to fly to the Moon, write a poem about the Moon while I'm there before we actually go.

   Among those in attendance at Lin-Manuel Miranda's final "Hamilton" performance were U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Spike Lee and Mariska Hargitay. Too bad Alexander Hamilton missed the last performance.

   If a bottle pops in the club and no one posts an Instagram video of it does it make a sound?

   Please Note: That ad On Craigslist is a Scam!! I repeat, It's a Scam!!! The Pokemon Ho has nothing to do with that game everybody has been playing!!