Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.

   In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously

   Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

   Canadian thanksgiving this weekend. Don’t forget to eat a beaver.

   Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

   If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?

   Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

   Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind

   Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

   I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

   Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

   Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!

   This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.

   I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her

   If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.

   Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.