Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   worm: sorry I slept in hey where is everyone

   Are bank robbers eligible for unemployment?

   Everytime I decline a friends request from Jerry Garcia I always wonder what if?

   “How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

   I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

   Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.

   I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

   People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?

   Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

   for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.

   Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger

   My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

   I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.

   "Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.

   Harley Davidson should make motorcycles specifically designed for environmentally conscious owners experiencing midlife crisis.

   I've got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons. Why oh why do I have so many luftballons?!?!

   Yahoo's search engine is just two drunk guys leaning out a third-floor window accousting passerby with your questions.

   The garbage man is late. I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

   Find an angry person at the bookstore. You can't.