Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

   a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   If you inbox a woman “hey” she immediately takes off all her clothes. Everyone knows that.

   this new "space force" we're going to have....will basic training include making the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   Did you know that 6 out of the 7 dwarves were not happy?

   I answered that Ancestry.com ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.

   I'm watching the hurricane coverage on the weather channel. I hate to be insensitive but, can anyone really pay attention to what the officials are saying when the sign language lady is flailing about?

   I just saw a man with one arm go into a second hand store.

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs and oil filter in my car. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Halloween is like any other day. People pretending to be someone their not.

   PSA: It is possible to vote then not post about it.

   Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

   Stronger Together. WTF does that even mean?

   I feel sorry for Bill Clinton, now he'll never become the First Lady! :p