Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Liver: Is today your birthday? Me: No. I'm watching the Presidential Debate. Liver: Oh Ok, that makes sense. Please continue!!!

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..

   If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

   [boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

   If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

   Why don't top sheets have a fitted bottom so that mf'er stays tucked in?

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

   Stronger Together. WTF does that even mean?

   I feel sorry for Bill Clinton, now he'll never become the First Lady! :p