Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I turned on my office light this morning....and boom....the news says North Korea has internet again, I don't think this is a coincidence

   Side chicks get the " oh yeah, happy new year." Text message today.

   I can't keep doing this, but keeps doing this - WOMEN

   just avoid love at all costs

   You know that friend who says they'll be there for you even if it's 1 am. I am that person only because of insomnia. . .

   to the girl who stared me in the face as the elevator door closed: we will meet again.

   I got 99 problems. You're 98 of them.

   There are 3 types of people in this world. 1) Those I want to drink with. 2) Those that make me drink. 3) Those I want to throw my drink on.

   Bus driver: This is where you get off. Me: What? No foreplay?

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.

   How many days prior to Easter is the correct time to post a silly status about the Easter Bunny coming??? ... asking for a friend.

   Her stripper name is "for god's sake, put some clothes on"

   My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   apparently there are stupid questions. They're the ones I ask my wife.

   The human race as a species is done. People are actually thinking Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Hooray for civilization.

   FYI - If you find bit of the satellite, you have to call the police and someone from NASA (prob Bruce Willis) will come over to collect it, apparently!......

   No! but that's a really nice ski mask!

   I know my jeans are too tight when my boxers turn into a banana hammock

   People I am hating today: Anyone who refers to guacamole as "guac."