Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out

   I turned on my office light this morning....and boom....the news says North Korea has internet again, I don't think this is a coincidence

   Side chicks get the " oh yeah, happy new year." Text message today.

   I can't keep doing this, but keeps doing this - WOMEN

   just avoid love at all costs

   You know that friend who says they'll be there for you even if it's 1 am. I am that person only because of insomnia. . .

   to the girl who stared me in the face as the elevator door closed: we will meet again.

   I got 99 problems. You're 98 of them.

   There are 3 types of people in this world. 1) Those I want to drink with. 2) Those that make me drink. 3) Those I want to throw my drink on.

   Bus driver: This is where you get off. Me: What? No foreplay?

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.

   How many days prior to Easter is the correct time to post a silly status about the Easter Bunny coming??? ... asking for a friend.

   Her stripper name is "for god's sake, put some clothes on"

   My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   apparently there are stupid questions. They're the ones I ask my wife.

   The human race as a species is done. People are actually thinking Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Hooray for civilization.

   FYI - If you find bit of the satellite, you have to call the police and someone from NASA (prob Bruce Willis) will come over to collect it, apparently!......

   No! but that's a really nice ski mask!