aaron Funny Status Messages

   I bet an air freshener that smells like stale cigarette smoke would last forever.

   I bet Clint Eastwood uses the most badass denture adhesive available.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   That's a nice suit. When did the clown die?

   Hey elderly people, nobody takes you seriously until you've put tennis balls on your walker.

   My face is sore from making my angry face all day.

   This bagel with "everything" is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.

   I had a McRib today. My toilet just waved a white flag.

   If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.

   Ok, slow down people. We're starting to evolve in the wrong direction.

   life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end> the faster it goes...

   Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

   if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.

   Everybody in the rap game are either Big or Lil', leaving a ferociously untapped "medium" market.

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.

   When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila