Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"

   My autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so I guess I don't work here anymore.

   10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   "Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   Remember,,, When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another.... Because kids.

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out