SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

   Man that Bears loss hurt me more than my divorce

   "It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.

   The black really brings out your eyes- Ray Rice pick up line...

   I wish anger burned more calories.

   Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   It's easier to wear the buckle than it is to ride the bull, I have no fear about slapping my girl on the ass and calling her by the wrong name just to see how long I can hang on. Gota love rodeo sex!

   My 2013 resolution is for everyone else to gain 50 pounds.

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.

   I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.

   I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

   Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.

   I have decided that if I ever win the lottery I am going to hire a Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister to follow me around to the bars.

   I hate snakes, mainly because they have no feet- you could say I am lack-toes intolerant...