Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   Kentucky man wins 128 million dollar lottery. Says he will share winnings with his wife and sister. Lucky woman!

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   They say that three out of four Americans have a mental illness of some kind. Look at three of your friends. If they seem okay,then you're that person.

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the toilet.

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing.

   Happy Birthday Eastenders! 25 years of bad acting and impossible storylines. And still we're hooked.

   Every once in a brownish-purple moon, I worry that I might be colorblind.

   Santa must be a man. No woman would be caught dead wearing the same clothes every Christmas!

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   I wonder that when a bird gets a blow to the head,does it see a circle of flying humans?

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   John Terry explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.