Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts.

   Finally got 8 hours of sleep, it only took 3 days or whatever.

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.

   Date a cat owner. They love something that doesn’t even like them back.

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   My favorite color is freedom, so light up the sky like it’s the 4th of July.

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   there anything I can destroy or eat in here? No? Well, you’re lucky to have me. ~ The Cat

   You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   The phrase "bang for your buck" isn't what I thought it was.

   Everything hits different when you’re not supposed to be doing it.

   There are two kinds of people when you explain that all drugs should be legal.

   The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

   You take the blue pill, the election ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you dispute the fraud and I show you how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

   Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive.

   When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.

   When hanging toilet paper, remember beards are cool, mullets are bad.

   I have one nerve left, and you’re dry humping it.