Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   Have you ever rubbed your eyes so hard that you enter in, to some other dimension of swirls and patterns?

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   If a bag is not resealable, it contains one serving.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   I panic at a lot of other places besides the disco.

   At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts.

   Finally got 8 hours of sleep, it only took 3 days or whatever.

   I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.

   Date a cat owner. They love something that doesn’t even like them back.

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   My favorite color is freedom, so light up the sky like it’s the 4th of July.