Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Let's be honest,, At some point, you'd think there'd be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City's penitentiaries.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   If you don't scream "AHH,, IT BURNS!!" when peeing in public,,, then you're no fun.

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,, and just started enjoying reading and writing posts..

   Just walked a mile in my own shoes............ not as good as I thought I'd be

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.

   Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?