Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

   It was so cold this morning she actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.

   It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service

   A study finds that most US currency is laced with cocaine. In fact, most dollar bills have a street value of $1.07.

   "Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating" Authorities are still trying to figure out what pissed him off.

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   They say that licking the back of a frog cures depression. The only problem is that once you stop,the frog gets depressed again.

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.