Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages
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I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.
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Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.
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Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
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It was so cold this morning she actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!
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Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.
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I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".
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It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service
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A study finds that most US currency is laced with cocaine. In fact, most dollar bills have a street value of $1.07.
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"Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating" Authorities are still trying to figure out what pissed him off.
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In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.
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What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.
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Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.
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I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
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Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
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My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.
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They say that licking the back of a frog cures depression. The only problem is that once you stop,the frog gets depressed again.
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My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!
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OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite
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Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
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