Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

   It was so cold this morning she actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!

   I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".

   Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.

   It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service

   A study finds that most US currency is laced with cocaine. In fact, most dollar bills have a street value of $1.07.

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   They say that licking the back of a frog cures depression. The only problem is that once you stop,the frog gets depressed again.

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.