Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   Have you ever rubbed your eyes so hard that you enter in, to some other dimension of swirls and patterns?

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   Mike Hunt smells like fish

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   If a bag is not resealable, it contains one serving.

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   I panic at a lot of other places besides the disco.