Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   Mike Hunt smells like fish

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   If a bag is not resealable, it contains one serving.

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   I panic at a lot of other places besides the disco.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts.

   Finally got 8 hours of sleep, it only took 3 days or whatever.

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.