Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" - my dinner. 
thinks the new myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... way to be consistent myspace
If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.
would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...
Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....
If i'm ever sleeping and a bunch of Zs start coming out of my head, please call a doctor.
Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison
Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?
just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one
Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.
Would you tap that???..I wouldnt even poke it on facebook!!!!
The Skort, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass
someone says "brb shower" and BAM you imagine them naked!!!
I'm Irish, give me a liver.
I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Pandas are in danger! we gotta do something!!
I will respect any religion you practice as long as you don't knock on my door and tell me about it.
Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.....With a Hot Blonde and Winning Lottery Ticket!!.....DAMN!!! Didn't work again.....
it me or has anyone else noticed that when you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom, you are always somewhere where there are no bathrooms around 