Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkard moment when you wake up your boyfriend in middle of night to say "stop snoring!!!" and you realize that it's the dog and not him.

   i hope you're happy people..y'all jus sued your way into no cracker jack toy.. if your kid choked thats called natural selection, not have a retard an be a millionairre

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   Ever think "Serial Killers Coming" when you're getting into your car and you drop your car keys?

   Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.

   Can't wait for the Super Moon tonight, I wonder what color it's cape is?

   I believe in Karma, Mainly because I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   Dear Women of Online Dating Sites: You're unique and down to Earth.....just like everybody else.

   Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   its time to call clowns what they really are- smiling murderers

   Marriage... a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband.

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. God knows what she was doing with her sister's phone.

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   already gave my sub to Sally. Now get lost you manipulating b***h!

   We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

   Well it is a new year, a time to start fresh, a time to move foward and learn from the past, a time to begin what was never started, and finish what was put off. It is going to be a good year, I know it, I can feel it and I am going to make it happen.

   it just me or does it look like the Carnival cruise ship is leaving a skid mark across Mobile Bay?

   I just saw the Easter Bunny buying Easter Grass and Rolling Papers at the corner store.