Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We never had an on-and-off relationship before getting married. Ours was more of an in-and-out-and-in-out thing. People should try that!

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   Damn.. who isn't pregnant...?

   If there wasn't such thing as a last minute I'd never get anything done.

   Some girls should NOT be allowed to post on facebook during their bye week.

   KIM KARDASHIAN - The only thing she'd be happy marrying is a mirror - but even then she might be jealous.

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?

   An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres."

   If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it.

   My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together

   I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.

   If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any.

   Women are addicting

   I don't follow basketball all that much but based on all you NBA fans' posts it sounds like Howard Stern is much better then this David Stern fellow...

   Close mindedness is the most abject form of blindness.

   The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.

   enjoying the sounds of a 2 year old having a meltdown...so soothing

   Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.