Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   lives in a pineapple under the sea.

   haha to the mosquito's who just bit me, enjoy the hangover tomorrow. haha

   thinking about sex, every 15 nanoseconds.

   When Obama was talking about " Change" in his Inaugural speech I didn't realize he was talking about that's all we would have left in our pockets.

   "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

   Paid a kid $20.00 to cut my grass - I've officially created more jobs this year than Obama.......

   Q)Why do women have foreheads? A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blow job

   THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING EARTH ON FRIDAY. THEIR PLAN IS TO KIDNAP ALL THE BEAUTIFUL & SEXY PEOPLE.. DONT WORRY, YOU'RE SAFE... I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE, PLEASE CHECK IN ON MY MOTHER IN LAW EVERY NOW AND THEN

   Did you hear Buckwheat from "the little rascals" became a Muslim? His new name is Kareem of Wheat

   Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers

   Sometimes, I wonder if anyone is secretly in love with me.

   Accidentally heard the first 15 seconds of a Toby Keith song, now the back of my hair grew 3 inches and my sister looks hot as sh*t.

   Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams. However, Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.

   I thought Pacific Rim was when an asian guy licks your ass. And that's why I would like to get a refund for my movie ticket.

   [first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

   if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

   not lazy, he's just phsycially conservative.

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!

   Dear Me, You are the sexiest thing to walk this Earth! Love, Me

   Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars, wondering how long before we see Banging with a Porn Star!!