Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dammit doc... Go ahead, add another mental condition on to the list... I'm sure my liver is excited to find out about all the new meds I'm gonna get..

   knows a relationship is going well when she feels comfortable taking a crap at his place.

   Definition of irony. Midget porn on the top shelf.

   Whenever I feel like cleaning, I lie down and the feeling goes away.

   We're all our own worst critics, except for you, I'm your worst critic.

   "She's one hot mess" means "She's bat $hit crazy, but I'd do her!"

   It's not the followers count that matters, but a few lovely people among those who make it their life to make you felt loved.

   I'm hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

   I'm not Unemployed, I'm just taking my next job's vacation in advance...

   Any time I listen to Charles Barkley commentate, I struggle to determine if he is talking about a basketball game or the lunch crowd at Burger King.

   Writing a poem for my ex. What rhymes with 'I think I got herpes from your sister'?

   If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   I just spelled something so badly that my autocorrect had to LOL.

   Tech Support in India? They cnt even fix their own Blackouts :)

   Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady

   You know its time to call it quits on that relationship when her shoes become more important to her.

   A week in to the Olympics and finally something to cheer about. A female athlete with boobs visible to the naked eye.

   I feel bad for deaf people until I remember Justin Bierber.

   You ask my name like you really want to remember it for the police report.

   Worst part about having an iPhone or any other smart phone for that matter is when you get mad you can't slam the phone