Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm ready for summer!

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

   Gave up alcohol and coffee the past 2 weeks and was rewarded with a cold. So much for healthy choices 👎🏻

   Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...

   If you rely on the news to tell you it’s cold and to put a jacket on than I feel sorry for you.

   Belichick= Spygate. Brady= Deflategate. Kraft= Tailgate

   'Sometimes, being hurt too many times, doesn't make you stronger, it destroy who you were, who you wanted to be and makes who you are today.''

   Demi Moore is French for half a Moore.

   Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.

   So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, does that make it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

   if you have to use a snapchat filter for over half of your Facebook pictures, you know you're ugly

   Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal.

   Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.

   At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

   Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.

   My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

   Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.