Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent.

   It rained here in Arizona today, but it was a dry rain.😛

   My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

   I really hope the Covid-19 virus can't be spread from kissing butt.

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in front of everyone in the grocery store.

   Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.

   When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.

   Some Warning Labels are a little stupid, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   The United Kingdom will exit the European Union and have agreed to start seeing other countries, like the United States.

   "That guy in the salmon colored shorts is getting laid tonight." -Said no woman ever

   When Attorney General Loretta Lynch was testifying in court about her secret meeting with Hillary's husband, I was struck by the irony of the fact that she was appointed Attorney General to arrest people like Loretta Lynch.

   I must have an amazing Butt because every time I walk away from someone they say ... "What an ass."

   If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.

   I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...

   I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.

   my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.

   We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.

   I'm playing fast and loose with milk expiration dates. This day could go anywhere.