SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.

   Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   I always say, "If you can't say anything nice, we have a lot in common. "

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

   Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.

   "I got 99 cookies cuz a b!tch ate one" ~ Cookie Monster

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   Want people to pay more attention to you? Carry a giant axe.

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   "Fart" is such a crude word. I prefer "Song of the South."

   Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.