Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star.

   Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".

   With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute

   Like my Great Grandmother always used to say,,,, 'Marry someone who will love you for your posts and not your profile banner.'

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   Stared off into space after lunch and accidentally graduated from University of Phoenix with another degree : (

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..

   According to weather.com,,, there appears to be a HUGE ad for car insurance moving in from the west..... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES !!!!

   My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)