Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 26 of 5652

   messageicon When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
←Rate | 08-11-2015 22:37 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.
←Rate | 05-30-2011 22:31 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.
←Rate | 03-10-2011 15:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 19:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child's room as a science project he got a C- on
←Rate | 04-12-2013 21:22 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon The party dont start till I log in.
←Rate | 12-23-2011 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!
←Rate | 05-03-2012 11:44 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.
←Rate | 06-05-2010 13:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon CNN Breaking news: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released......
←Rate | 10-01-2013 10:25 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
←Rate | 05-02-2012 07:36 by Pong Lenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:52 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon GIRL LOGIC: maybe if I wear this shirt that shows my boobs i'll meet a nice guy who wants me For my personality
←Rate | 12-04-2012 01:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
←Rate | 01-08-2014 12:57 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....
←Rate | 01-05-2015 19:02 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".
←Rate | 11-27-2011 17:16 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.
←Rate | 05-24-2011 16:57 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.
←Rate | 03-28-2011 15:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
←Rate | 04-01-2013 22:59 by SlowMotionNinja Comments (0)  

   messageicon What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.
←Rate | 08-23-2013 01:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
←Rate | 03-31-2013 14:33 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

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