Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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Page: 26 of 5234

   messageicon Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.
←Rate | 03-12-2012 06:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.
←Rate | 04-04-2012 15:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....
←Rate | 04-08-2012 08:17 by Ballysboots Comments (0)  

   messageicon Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.
←Rate | 02-07-2012 09:07 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to know anything, come over to my wife apparently knows everything.
←Rate | 01-24-2012 09:25 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots
←Rate | 04-12-2011 23:29 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.
←Rate | 08-20-2010 15:53 by jdpower Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 18:54 by Billy Comments (0)  

   messageicon People give all kinds of excuses to the cellphone guys at the mall as to why they won't stop. "I have a phone with you guys already," or "I just signed a new contract." Personally, I like to cut to the chase with, "I hate you guys."
←Rate | 09-03-2010 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.
←Rate | 09-03-2010 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.
←Rate | 09-11-2010 19:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".
←Rate | 10-01-2010 19:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.
←Rate | 04-21-2010 09:45 by christy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(
←Rate | 09-29-2012 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!
←Rate | 11-22-2012 18:00 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon To all you that think you can sing and/or rap. You can't. Signed: everyone.
←Rate | 09-05-2013 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.
←Rate | 09-06-2013 09:00 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
←Rate | 09-12-2013 12:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
←Rate | 01-23-2016 06:49 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
←Rate | 02-14-2016 03:42 Comments (0)  

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