Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 26 of 5529

   messageicon They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
←Rate | 10-25-2016 01:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
←Rate | 06-10-2015 13:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
←Rate | 01-23-2016 06:49 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
←Rate | 02-14-2016 03:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
←Rate | 02-15-2016 12:13 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.
←Rate | 02-22-2016 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....
←Rate | 04-02-2016 14:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
←Rate | 04-06-2016 19:49 by Aaron Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
←Rate | 04-12-2016 01:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....
←Rate | 04-23-2016 07:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.
←Rate | 05-09-2016 14:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"
←Rate | 05-19-2016 02:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 18:54 by Billy Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.
←Rate | 09-03-2010 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.
←Rate | 09-11-2010 19:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".
←Rate | 10-01-2010 19:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.
←Rate | 04-21-2010 09:45 by christy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
←Rate | 04-28-2010 22:29 by Joser Comments (0)  

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