Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 26 of 5762

   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment
←Rate | 03-01-2017 05:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
←Rate | 12-30-2017 21:09 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 12:40 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:36 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns
←Rate | 10-17-2017 18:17 by cpaman Comments (3)  


   messageicon My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 17:57 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.
←Rate | 07-24-2017 10:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:29 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 14:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me and my recliner go way back.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:28 by Aerotim Comments (1)  


   messageicon Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:18 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
←Rate | 08-22-2017 13:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
←Rate | 09-13-2017 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 21:01 Comments (1)  


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