Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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Page: 26 of 5432

   messageicon If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.
←Rate | 09-17-2010 19:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....
←Rate | 03-22-2010 18:27 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.
←Rate | 11-21-2010 08:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.
←Rate | 04-28-2010 13:33 by BP Comments (0)  

   messageicon President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
←Rate | 06-26-2014 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
←Rate | 02-20-2014 13:37 by Flame Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
←Rate | 05-23-2014 05:01 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has Al Sharpton's presence EVER made anything better?
←Rate | 05-04-2015 07:59 by DeeX Comments (1)  

   messageicon When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
←Rate | 08-11-2015 22:37 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember back in the day when you would make a collect call and try to yell the info to the other party before you were disconnected?
←Rate | 09-21-2011 01:35 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
←Rate | 01-14-2013 09:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...
←Rate | 09-23-2012 14:07 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.
←Rate | 10-03-2012 23:40 by Dogbite66 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
←Rate | 10-22-2012 01:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.
←Rate | 07-21-2013 17:14 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
←Rate | 12-05-2012 14:10 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.
←Rate | 04-23-2012 23:10 by SKoop Comments (0)  

   messageicon The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.
←Rate | 02-28-2012 10:10 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you "Your gums wouldn't bleed if you flossed more".
←Rate | 02-29-2012 15:35 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood
←Rate | 01-25-2012 19:54 Comments (0)  

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