Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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Page: 26 of 5404

   messageicon I think I am going to make my own beer. I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!
←Rate | 12-27-2010 15:27 by Heather25 Comments (3)  

   messageicon She said: "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." What she meant: "I'm holding out for an asshole who's emotionally unavailable."
←Rate | 06-28-2010 21:17 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
←Rate | 06-19-2010 19:33 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon With everything going on lately... I've got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
←Rate | 10-18-2011 18:17 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.
←Rate | 06-10-2012 18:48 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
←Rate | 12-07-2012 08:37 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.
←Rate | 09-26-2012 14:23 by Czovczov Comments (2)  

   messageicon why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?
←Rate | 09-16-2009 21:09 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
←Rate | 08-04-2010 19:38 by Greg Oreiro Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Heart {♥} , Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it...
←Rate | 06-04-2011 11:43 by himashis Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?
←Rate | 02-16-2011 11:54 by M.A.C. Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome.
←Rate | 01-30-2010 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i'd be scared if a 400lb glass of koolaid came bursting into my house......
←Rate | 04-05-2010 15:51 by Samir Momin Comments (3)  

   messageicon I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
←Rate | 03-29-2013 08:03 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear lady with 4 screaming children at the supermarket.. I would like to either discipline your children or slap you in the face for not learning to control them..
←Rate | 10-25-2010 23:58 by Elbow Comments (18)  

   messageicon your really ugly, please stop trying to take seductive pictures of yourself...
←Rate | 03-25-2010 21:17 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.
←Rate | 01-07-2012 10:55 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.
←Rate | 11-15-2010 17:48 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Bad decisions make good stories
←Rate | 08-16-2009 20:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin
←Rate | 10-06-2012 05:36 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

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