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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.
←Rate | 05-09-2012 12:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)

   messageicon Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all ¬†concerned and ask me how I know them. ¬†You can't be the pimp and the cop!
←Rate | 11-10-2011 20:31 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)

   messageicon Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
←Rate | 10-14-2012 07:39 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)

   messageicon You don't know heartbreak until you see the waiter coming to your table with food but then take a sharp turn to a different table.
←Rate | 03-14-2014 03:43 by Udit Comments (0)

   messageicon I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.
←Rate | 05-11-2011 22:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.
←Rate | 09-01-2011 14:20 by Will Comments (0)

   messageicon Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.
←Rate | 04-09-2011 15:40 by Hovo Comments (0)

   messageicon Happy St. Patrick's Day: May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Cheers
←Rate | 03-17-2011 02:02 by @Felesar Comments (0)

   messageicon what happens in vegas never happens to me
←Rate | 07-04-2011 06:06 Comments (0)

   messageicon Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.
←Rate | 08-05-2011 20:40 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?
←Rate | 04-28-2011 09:47 by JC Comments (0)

   messageicon My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
←Rate | 05-19-2011 16:03 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...
←Rate | 01-31-2011 09:34 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon thinking that now the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?
←Rate | 02-02-2011 10:48 by markf Comments (0)

   messageicon I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
←Rate | 05-24-2011 10:03 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon BBQ rule: no drama goes on at my BBQ, if your'e in a fight with your mate don't come, if you just broke up and want to talk about it call a family member, BBQs are for FUN only
←Rate | 06-01-2011 20:00 by smeebert Comments (0)

   messageicon When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.
←Rate | 06-22-2010 05:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon I never called you stupid dear. But when I ask you how to spell Mississippi an you ask the state or the kinda caught me off guard!
←Rate | 09-25-2012 07:06 by MWC Comments (0)

   messageicon YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.
←Rate | 10-02-2012 03:38 by 2FAST4U Comments (0)

   messageicon Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.
←Rate | 03-22-2013 11:22 Comments (0)

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