Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 26 of 5572

   messageicon After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.
←Rate | 05-24-2011 16:57 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when you are driving on the freeway and someone cuts in front of you so you flip them off, only to have them put their hand up in a gesture of "thanks".
←Rate | 06-09-2011 23:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.
←Rate | 06-17-2011 15:51 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.
←Rate | 06-03-2011 11:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
←Rate | 09-25-2010 02:02 by @truebeachbabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.
←Rate | 08-02-2012 12:12 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
←Rate | 10-18-2011 18:21 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!
←Rate | 04-30-2012 20:36 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email
←Rate | 10-24-2012 04:55 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus
←Rate | 10-30-2012 15:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."
←Rate | 05-23-2011 13:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!
←Rate | 03-15-2011 06:28 by Bill Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
←Rate | 05-30-2012 14:29 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold
←Rate | 04-07-2012 08:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
←Rate | 12-16-2010 13:25 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.
←Rate | 03-12-2010 09:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
←Rate | 11-13-2010 18:42 by mickeybruce Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.
←Rate | 12-06-2010 20:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
←Rate | 06-10-2010 05:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.
←Rate | 10-18-2014 09:58 by Bobo the Chimp Comments (0)  

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