Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
←Rate | 02-15-2016 12:13 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
←Rate | 04-12-2016 01:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.
←Rate | 05-09-2016 14:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day
←Rate | 02-13-2012 19:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.
←Rate | 03-17-2013 17:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...
←Rate | 01-27-2017 09:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
←Rate | 02-15-2017 02:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.
←Rate | 10-28-2017 07:20 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.
←Rate | 04-25-2017 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.
←Rate | 05-04-2017 10:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 11:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've had a really bad day. First, my ex-wife got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
←Rate | 10-05-2017 06:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.
←Rate | 02-14-2016 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...
←Rate | 02-14-2016 15:17 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.
←Rate | 04-30-2016 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.
←Rate | 11-27-2013 19:06 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:27 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...
←Rate | 02-25-2016 17:51 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:36 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw a totally hot MILF spank her child today at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground....!!!
←Rate | 07-29-2016 01:11 Comments (0)  

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