Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trojan is a terrible name for condoms. They’re basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, then broke open and thousands of little guys poured out and messed up everyone’s day.

   My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.

   Well, well, well… if it isn’t all my “we’ll deal with it in January” chickens come home to roost.

   Why are deliveries on a ship called cargo, but in a car, it’s called a shipment?

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   I would rather someone steal my identity than remember another password.

   Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   Cognitive Dissonance ~ Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they’re presented with evidence against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.

   Life is like soccer, you can either use your head or use a good swift kick.

   Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.

   No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of booze out of them at the office meeting.

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏