Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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Page: 26 of 5255

   messageicon I hate it when someone text me to call them, then when you call they never answer
←Rate | 08-12-2010 00:35 by smeebert Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”
←Rate | 04-22-2010 16:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich
←Rate | 06-03-2015 12:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:51 by huck Comments (0)  




   messageicon I dance like people wish they weren't watching.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 14:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
←Rate | 12-02-2013 06:49 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
←Rate | 01-09-2014 11:39 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.
←Rate | 01-12-2014 13:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
←Rate | 02-09-2015 08:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.
←Rate | 02-12-2015 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
←Rate | 04-16-2015 11:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.
←Rate | 04-21-2015 18:35 by Kalleygirl Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.
←Rate | 10-05-2014 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
←Rate | 02-24-2014 10:00 by peter Brajkovich Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep
←Rate | 04-09-2014 13:55 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
←Rate | 05-11-2014 13:56 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.
←Rate | 01-20-2016 05:59 by Nipper Comments (3)  


   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."
←Rate | 02-09-2013 21:45 by eengrms Comments (0)  



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