Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.
←Rate | 07-06-2011 18:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?
←Rate | 04-03-2013 01:07 by StonerDudee Comments (5)  


   messageicon At a wedding reception someone yelled: "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living…" The bartender was crushed to death…
←Rate | 12-20-2011 14:03 by ZZZ-FUXY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”
←Rate | 04-06-2011 17:49 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
←Rate | 08-12-2012 16:43 by Marshall the Great Comments (2)  


   messageicon How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
←Rate | 02-09-2013 21:53 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.
←Rate | 09-16-2010 18:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
←Rate | 01-24-2011 17:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:24 by MBH Comments (0)  


   messageicon Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.
←Rate | 01-13-2010 15:29 by tomcall Comments (0)  


   messageicon When your children come up to you after a minor incident and say," This is the worst day of my life!!!" Just look at them.....smile......and say, "You haven't seen anything yet".
←Rate | 03-29-2010 19:36 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately
←Rate | 12-11-2013 06:21 by Danmanz Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....
←Rate | 06-03-2015 20:48 by Mark M Comments (0)  


   messageicon They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 11:27 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.
←Rate | 04-21-2015 21:18 by Timk Comments (0)  


   messageicon President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
←Rate | 01-28-2017 21:04 by ianbuckeye Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China
←Rate | 02-23-2012 16:14 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Time To Get Star Spangled Hammered
←Rate | 07-04-2013 06:39 by Steve OH Comments (0)  


   messageicon When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.
←Rate | 02-17-2012 21:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.
←Rate | 02-06-2012 10:00 Comments (0)  



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