Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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Page: 26 of 5286

   messageicon I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.
←Rate | 07-28-2014 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
←Rate | 12-22-2014 10:17 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
←Rate | 01-20-2014 16:52 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.
←Rate | 02-17-2014 07:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Statistics Show That Criminals Commit Less Crime After They’ve Been Shot
←Rate | 10-04-2015 10:48 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
←Rate | 12-28-2015 10:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.
←Rate | 05-23-2012 16:49 by JustCuz Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.
←Rate | 02-06-2012 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.
←Rate | 01-31-2012 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...
←Rate | 02-13-2012 11:31 by CzyRd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say
←Rate | 02-22-2012 18:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know what "Swagger" is but I know Justin Bieber and lil wayne both claim to have it so I'm assuming it's not talent.
←Rate | 02-29-2012 21:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.
←Rate | 06-06-2012 12:41 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
←Rate | 07-07-2012 20:20 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 10:17 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to the holiday this status is closed. Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
←Rate | 02-21-2011 11:16 by Bert Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.
←Rate | 03-03-2011 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon California is so broke, that earthquakes are moving now to the DC areas.....
←Rate | 08-23-2011 17:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.
←Rate | 08-25-2011 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It might be fat Tuesday today, but I'm fat everyday. So what's the big deal.
←Rate | 03-08-2011 14:55 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

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