Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 26 of 5596

   messageicon I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them
←Rate | 08-08-2014 01:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!
←Rate | 03-09-2012 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
←Rate | 09-02-2010 09:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!
←Rate | 02-13-2013 11:09 by Kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks
←Rate | 02-02-2011 21:46 by Abbybaby34 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
←Rate | 06-05-2012 15:45 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
←Rate | 11-14-2009 09:09 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is
←Rate | 05-17-2012 22:04 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...
←Rate | 02-07-2012 09:01 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.
←Rate | 07-26-2011 10:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.
←Rate | 09-17-2010 19:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.
←Rate | 10-12-2010 12:20 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.
←Rate | 11-21-2010 08:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
←Rate | 10-22-2012 01:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
←Rate | 10-16-2009 09:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
←Rate | 07-08-2013 11:04 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.
←Rate | 07-19-2013 13:50 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
←Rate | 05-31-2012 22:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?
←Rate | 04-12-2010 20:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two
←Rate | 03-30-2011 08:25 by scottyp Comments (0)  

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