Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.
←Rate | 05-11-2017 05:16 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 08:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
←Rate | 01-27-2017 13:49 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.
←Rate | 02-10-2012 07:11 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.
←Rate | 04-10-2017 11:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
←Rate | 12-21-2017 22:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: Would get in the van
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:06 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe
←Rate | 01-06-2018 05:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
←Rate | 01-09-2018 17:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
←Rate | 01-13-2018 07:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously
←Rate | 01-16-2018 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" .....
←Rate | 01-17-2018 11:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
←Rate | 01-31-2018 10:20 Comments (0)  

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