Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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Page: 26 of 5137

   messageicon Picking your nose doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's what you do with the booger.
←Rate | 03-31-2011 11:49 by Quinn Comments (0)  

   messageicon beat the heck out of the alarm clock this morning. It's currently on life support, but if it tries that $hit again tomorrow, I'm pulling the plug!!!
←Rate | 05-06-2010 15:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:02 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.
←Rate | 05-23-2010 07:31 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?
←Rate | 06-10-2010 06:16 Comments (2)  

   messageicon still waiting for the latest Toy Story movie to come out... Its called Adult Toy Story. It gives a totally new meaning to "Buzz" and "Woody".
←Rate | 06-13-2010 20:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say "Top that, cowboy."
←Rate | 08-19-2010 21:26 by Tom Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?
←Rate | 08-20-2010 09:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it
←Rate | 01-11-2010 02:39 by Rachael Comments (0)  

   messageicon learned an important lesson yesterday, Rice Krispies and hangovers do not go good together. First time she ever had to tell a bowl of ceral to shut the f*ck up!!
←Rate | 02-24-2010 16:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After having her 20th child, Anna Duggar will no longer be on "19 and Counting"; instead, Discovery will feature her vagina as a baby making assembly line on "How it's Made"...
←Rate | 11-16-2010 23:22 by JoshL Comments (1)  

   messageicon purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........
←Rate | 10-02-2010 12:46 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.
←Rate | 01-31-2012 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...
←Rate | 02-13-2012 11:31 by CzyRd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say
←Rate | 02-22-2012 18:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know what "Swagger" is but I know Justin Bieber and lil wayne both claim to have it so I'm assuming it's not talent.
←Rate | 02-29-2012 21:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I look forward everyday to extending my streak of never watching a single minute of "The View"!
←Rate | 12-28-2011 00:53 by totalpackage Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm convinced the only thing new moms know how to do is upload pictures of their baby on facebook.
←Rate | 01-12-2012 14:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The greatest thing about living near a prison is, my Sunday afternoon sprints down the highway in an orange jumpsuit...
←Rate | 01-23-2012 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw a guy getting head in a phone booth. I couldn't believe it what I was seeing...I haven't seen a phone booth in years!
←Rate | 10-21-2011 12:23 by Pig Benis Comments (0)  

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