Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm donating my body to science... fiction.

   One of the stars of Borat 2 is under investigation for possible criminal activity at the direction of a Home Alone 2 cast member.

   My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

   A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

   why is it called hoarding and not stock home syndrome?

   To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

   I don’t need the body of a 20 yr old. I would take their bladder though.

   I always wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the lyrics...

   The police came by to tell me that my dogs have been chasing people on bicycles. I said, “My dogs don’t even own bicycles!”

   So I guess with the pandemic raging in India, the scammers will either have to work from home or cough their way through the IRS scam script

   Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people

   Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

   Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be. Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

   My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college. Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

   Just because you haven’t met the right person doesn’t mean that you will.

   Nomadland won the Oscar for Best Picture. Was this an actual movie or a description of movie theaters in 2020?

   Microwave: Here's a piping hot Tupperware of cold food

   [first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

   the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

   It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.