Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

   A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.

   Don't change to get people to like you. Be your self and they will respect you.

   The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.

   Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same

   It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead

   The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)

   As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.

   I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.

   How TF is Easter, April Fools, and Rent Due all on the same day?!

   You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget. 

   for Lent I'm giving up relationships...oh, nevermind, they gave up on me already

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive many times and hoping they are more brave than I am.

   ....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!

   Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?

   It's always good to announce your break-up via Facebook. It's the easiest way to let her friends know you're available.

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   Dance like its back in 1999 when no one had a camera phone.