Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went into a library today and asked if they had any books on shelves

   if I had a girlfriend I would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

   No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

   Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.

   You can try to take off my granny panties, but they'll just grow back stronger.

   If there's one place I can't stand... It's an ice rink!

   Back in the day the only problem stores had with customers and toilet papes was keeping them from squeezing the Charmin.

   Took a really beautiful girl out on a date the other night and never knew she had a dental implant until it came out during a conversation.

   The reason stores are running out of toilet paper is because when one person sneezes the other 100 poop themselves. ‬

   idiot post below

   If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

   And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

   My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

   I’m papering walls in the loo, And quite frankly I haven’t a clue. For the pattern’s all wrong, Or the paper’s too long, And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

   Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

   Let’s see how long this $1200 last before the gofundme pages start back up

   You wanna sum up how screwed up 2020 is? It’s April 15th, and the IRS just sent us all money!

   HELP, I'm out of booze, and sobering up.

   I'm at a The Clash concert and I'm not too sure if I'm enjoying it.. Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?