Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

   When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

   Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot

   Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.

   You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.

   My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.

   Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!