Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....

   Chances are ladies, that if you're holding an acoustic guitar in your profile pic, I'm not accepting your friend request.

   Whenever I see a post that only says "I can't" or "I can't even" I assume the person drove off a cliff and the rest of the post was supposed to say "write a complete sentence."

   This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action...

   Today my virtually 3 year old daughter can unlock a mobile phone, open and close apps all by herself, at that age I ate sand !

   Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.

   I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.

   Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

   . Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.

   If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew

   Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.

   I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."

   My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.