Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.

   I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.

   Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

   . Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.

   If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew

   Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.

   I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."

   My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.

   You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.

   Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

   A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.

   Don't change to get people to like you. Be your self and they will respect you.

   The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.

   Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same

   It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead

   The government and a duck have something in common. They both can stick their bills up their (_|_) :)