Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Trump is no longer president. If you're still talking about him, then it sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with Trump but ok.

   I kicked my five-year old son out of the house because he didn't want to worship Trump. How dare he not want to worship the man who is greater than Jesus Christ. I have no son!!!

   Old Louie shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, 'crushed nuts'? 'No, miss', he replied ... arthritis."

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.

   It amazing how much people LeBron James has triggered for his common sense views. I wish I had his talents.

   Accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. Shestill isn't talking to me.

   Sent x-rays instead of pictures.... because it's what's inside that counts.

   Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

   Sleepy Joe Administration Won’t Allow National Day Of Prayer To Be Held At US Capitol This Year. what a dum arse

   Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

   My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

   Everyone’s a gangster until they touch something wet in the garbage

   *First day as a missing person* Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

   My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop. Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

   I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

   I wonder if I can do a reverse mortgage on my student loan and then when I die they can have my degree.

   My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge. He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

   I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.

   we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

   I wish everything was as easy as gaining weight.