Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The shooter most likely got tired of not been able to skip ads on youtube

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sammich like other women?

   If the 2nd Amendment only applies to muskets, then government healthcare should only apply to leeches, bloodletting, and lobotomies.

   So....:it's not okay to have children deported, but it is okay to have them aborted? How does that make sense?!

   coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf

   I have a friend who's a homicide detective. His business card says, "Our day begins, when yours ends."

   it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   Sky-diving: good til the last drop.

   don't take to heart anything I say. My opinions are just that...MY opinions. Nothing I say can be set in stone, besides I don't even own a chisel.

   WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?, MC-SEABASS? IT'S THE MCDONALD'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TWENTY YEARS! IT'S ALL MCCRAP! JUST ORDER!

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.

   Honk, if you want to see my finger!

   The secret is Victoria is actually Victor!!!

   Love me or hate me its still an obsession...

   over the years has realized that marriage is like a hand of poker, you start with a pair and end up with a full house...

   I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "Dibs!"...

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)