Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a faded sign at the sign of the road. However there was no mention of a love shack.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe

   I'm going to start referring to babies as "crypods"

   Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.

   I love the wind.. It's the only time I ever get blown

   Never smoke weed and go to a Catholic Mass. It's a pretty long service, you'll get the munches, and end up trying to take communion like 6 times.

   Why is 4/21 National Employer Random Drug Testing Day?

   What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

   How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

   They say Osama was buried at sea because the U.S. would not have wanted there to be a grave site for fear of it turning into a place of worship for bin Laden's followers. I sure hope that all of his followers go to visit him at his place of burial

   God said: "I cannot be everywhere, So I created MOTHER!" The Devil Replied: "Even I can't be everywhere, So I created MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!"

   If aliens came to Earth to prevent us from destroying the planet, they'd be like, "Oops, too late."

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one...and got hit by a bus.

   graduating from everest is the same as saying "well I'm a loser & I watch BET all day"

   Thinks people get mad when you don't use korrect grammar and spelin, because they can't just copy/paste it to thier Facebook. Sorry you had to add a comma, it must be such an inconvenience.

   I read somewhere that when you get married, you should marry your best friend. Talk about awkward, he was already married.

   when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry,show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile!!

   Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

   going bar hoping with Tiger Woods & Ben Roethlisberger.

   I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.