Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   If ANY of my posts have made even one person's day better,, then there's something seriously wrong with that person

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?

   If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

   *Putting gas in car... $19.97... *stops..(gently).. $ 19.98... (very gently)... $19.99... *Ok, once more...(deep breath).... $37.63... GODDAMMIT

   Sea salt is healthier only because it gets stuck in the holes of the shaker and you can't actually put it on your food.

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.

   If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

   My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.