Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some background music.
←Rate | 02-06-2015 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
←Rate | 04-16-2015 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"
←Rate | 05-21-2016 13:25 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.
←Rate | 01-12-2014 13:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?
←Rate | 09-03-2014 10:29 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.
←Rate | 10-05-2014 12:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
←Rate | 12-30-2016 06:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".
←Rate | 01-13-2017 11:09 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
←Rate | 02-24-2014 10:00 by peter Brajkovich Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
←Rate | 05-11-2014 13:56 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
←Rate | 09-12-2013 12:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
←Rate | 01-23-2016 06:49 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
←Rate | 02-14-2016 03:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
←Rate | 02-15-2016 12:13 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.
←Rate | 02-22-2016 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.
←Rate | 03-24-2016 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....
←Rate | 04-02-2016 14:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
←Rate | 04-06-2016 19:49 by Aaron Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
←Rate | 04-12-2016 01:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 14:51 Comments (0)  

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