Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble's like giving two gifts in one!
←Rate | 12-12-2013 15:28 by EF Comments (0)  

   messageicon Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
←Rate | 12-21-2009 00:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The amount of Alcohol consumed can directly increase the amount of facebook activity.
←Rate | 04-15-2010 17:02 by Tracy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
←Rate | 08-12-2013 10:33 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.
←Rate | 08-19-2013 12:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.
←Rate | 02-10-2012 07:09 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:30 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?
←Rate | 11-28-2013 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
←Rate | 11-07-2017 11:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock...
←Rate | 02-10-2012 07:02 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.
←Rate | 08-03-2013 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.
←Rate | 10-30-2012 15:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?
←Rate | 07-15-2012 17:21 by Jitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."
←Rate | 10-29-2017 11:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
←Rate | 02-04-2011 13:24 by DrSAJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.
←Rate | 04-28-2010 18:11 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.
←Rate | 05-30-2010 05:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
←Rate | 05-05-2010 12:15 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day
←Rate | 02-13-2012 19:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon we need funny material not people who think they are funny
←Rate | 02-06-2014 18:06 Comments (0)  

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