Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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Page: 25 of 5281

   messageicon Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..
←Rate | 05-07-2010 00:40 by @akshay7890 Comments (0)  

   messageicon noticed the Weather Channel has a new show hosted by a dude named Peter Lik....How old do you have to be for that NOT to be funny because I evidently haven't reached it yet.
←Rate | 03-31-2011 23:47 by totalpackage Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jello is just kool-aid...with a hard on...
←Rate | 02-09-2011 11:58 by Tyler G Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to the holiday this status is closed. Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
←Rate | 02-21-2011 11:16 by Bert Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.
←Rate | 03-03-2011 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
←Rate | 03-30-2011 14:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It might be fat Tuesday today, but I'm fat everyday. So what's the big deal.
←Rate | 03-08-2011 14:55 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon California is so broke, that earthquakes are moving now to the DC areas.....
←Rate | 08-23-2011 17:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.
←Rate | 08-25-2011 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
←Rate | 08-03-2011 04:02 by Natsu Comments (0)  

   messageicon purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........
←Rate | 10-02-2010 12:46 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?
←Rate | 08-20-2010 09:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.
←Rate | 06-06-2012 12:41 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together a much better place!!!
←Rate | 07-24-2012 16:55 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
←Rate | 07-07-2012 20:20 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.
←Rate | 01-31-2012 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say
←Rate | 02-22-2012 18:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...
←Rate | 02-13-2012 11:31 by CzyRd Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 10:17 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know what "Swagger" is but I know Justin Bieber and lil wayne both claim to have it so I'm assuming it's not talent.
←Rate | 02-29-2012 21:41 Comments (0)  

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