Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 19:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 21:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.
←Rate | 01-20-2018 20:25 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...
←Rate | 01-25-2018 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?
←Rate | 02-15-2018 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”
←Rate | 02-17-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
←Rate | 03-01-2018 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?
←Rate | 03-08-2018 14:09 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams
←Rate | 03-10-2018 04:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
←Rate | 03-27-2018 10:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?
←Rate | 03-30-2017 11:10 by Me E Comments (1)  

   messageicon When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 23:22 Comments (4)  

   messageicon I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.
←Rate | 06-21-2017 19:33 by the barber Comments (1)  

   messageicon to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...
←Rate | 08-24-2017 19:26 by Sinned Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 18:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:27 by JAB Comments (0)  

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