Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 25 of 5652

   messageicon Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.
←Rate | 09-02-2017 07:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.
←Rate | 09-11-2017 09:13 by Zach Comments (0)  

   messageicon Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....
←Rate | 09-12-2017 18:36 by scstarman Comments (0)  

   messageicon 911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 21:54 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse
←Rate | 09-16-2017 14:45 Comments (1)  

   messageicon There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?
←Rate | 10-04-2017 13:15 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 19:29 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 23:20 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 10:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."
←Rate | 09-28-2011 14:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Raise your hand if you would add your boss as a Facebook friend. Now with the other hand slap yourself in the face.
←Rate | 03-02-2011 21:10 by RoN Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.
←Rate | 12-19-2011 02:46 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 09:16 by Aaron Comments (2)  

   messageicon Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
←Rate | 10-03-2013 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.
←Rate | 04-08-2011 18:55 by letsfly Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.
←Rate | 06-06-2011 21:52 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.
←Rate | 01-13-2012 11:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop it with this political BS. I haven't stolen and posted a descent item in months
←Rate | 07-15-2016 04:31 Comments (1)  

   messageicon President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
←Rate | 06-26-2014 13:50 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left