Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off

Search Messages:
Page: 25 of 5254

   messageicon   You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
←Rate | 05-12-2010 16:52 by Mduduzi Comments (1)  

   messageicon ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.
←Rate | 05-23-2010 07:31 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon still waiting for the latest Toy Story movie to come out... Its called Adult Toy Story. It gives a totally new meaning to "Buzz" and "Woody".
←Rate | 06-13-2010 20:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it
←Rate | 01-11-2010 02:39 by Rachael Comments (0)  

   messageicon learned an important lesson yesterday, Rice Krispies and hangovers do not go good together. First time she ever had to tell a bowl of ceral to shut the f*ck up!!
←Rate | 02-24-2010 16:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?
←Rate | 08-20-2010 09:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........
←Rate | 10-02-2010 12:46 by deithy Comments (0)  

   messageicon This just in...Blown up COLLAGEN injected lips are NOT sexy. People notice but not in a good way. We actually snicker and mock you. Thank you that is all.
←Rate | 11-11-2010 11:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”
←Rate | 04-22-2010 16:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when someone text me to call them, then when you call they never answer
←Rate | 08-12-2010 00:35 by smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
←Rate | 12-19-2010 13:25 by me40299 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
←Rate | 02-24-2014 10:00 by peter Brajkovich Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep
←Rate | 04-09-2014 13:55 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
←Rate | 05-11-2014 13:56 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
←Rate | 02-09-2015 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.
←Rate | 02-12-2015 08:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
←Rate | 04-16-2015 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.
←Rate | 04-21-2015 18:35 by Kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich
←Rate | 06-03-2015 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:51 by huck Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left