Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 25 of 5704

   messageicon Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 05:54 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:39 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 14:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 10:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 14:59 by Chuck Comments (2)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
←Rate | 02-17-2013 13:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
←Rate | 03-29-2017 17:58 by therealtimmyt Comments (0)  

   messageicon Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 23:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:41 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
←Rate | 05-19-2017 05:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
←Rate | 06-04-2017 08:33 by Sms Comments (0)  

   messageicon .Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.
←Rate | 07-11-2017 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.
←Rate | 04-27-2015 22:28 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
←Rate | 03-20-2010 14:26 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.
←Rate | 12-05-2010 13:33 by AJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
←Rate | 03-26-2016 19:06 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
←Rate | 12-16-2012 22:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
←Rate | 03-19-2012 13:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

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