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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."
←Rate | 12-10-2013 01:15 by StonerDudee Comments (4)

   messageicon pumpkin for sale, slightly used
←Rate | 11-02-2013 22:01 by pimpjuice Comments (0)

   messageicon They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.
←Rate | 01-04-2012 17:27 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)

   messageicon If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.
←Rate | 01-25-2012 09:50 by Griff Comments (0)

   messageicon The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
←Rate | 03-11-2012 13:40 Comments (0)

   messageicon My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.
←Rate | 04-06-2012 22:43 by BEGO Comments (1)

   messageicon I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with
←Rate | 04-16-2012 16:09 Comments (0)

   messageicon The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky
←Rate | 04-19-2012 20:05 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon I wanted to write a poem about you but I'm having a difficult time finding the words to rhyme with chlamydia infected narcissistic harpy whore.
←Rate | 07-09-2012 01:03 Comments (0)

   messageicon Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
←Rate | 04-12-2013 11:12 by SEAN Comments (0)

   messageicon Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.
←Rate | 06-26-2013 15:02 Comments (0)

   messageicon My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.
←Rate | 09-08-2012 07:57 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)

   messageicon Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.
←Rate | 09-30-2009 23:01 by Brantly Comments (0)

   messageicon My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
←Rate | 07-06-2011 17:42 by Aaron Comments (0)

   messageicon Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"
←Rate | 08-16-2011 21:06 by @sondramckinney Comments (0)

   messageicon May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
←Rate | 09-02-2011 11:35 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.
←Rate | 09-19-2011 11:14 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon Enough With The Poking, Lets Just Have Sex
←Rate | 03-24-2010 12:58 by Samir Momin Comments (0)

   messageicon I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.
←Rate | 04-02-2010 13:09 Comments (0)

   messageicon Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
←Rate | 06-10-2010 05:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

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