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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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Page: 25 of 5049

   messageicon You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.
←Rate | 12-12-2011 09:54 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
←Rate | 08-19-2012 23:50 by Marshall the Great Comments (2)

   messageicon Someone at work has been stealing my lunch from the refrigerator....... Tomorrow, I'm bringing a cat food sandwich... BON APPETIT MOTHER F*CKER!!!
←Rate | 03-27-2012 14:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads
←Rate | 01-09-2012 12:29 Comments (0)

   messageicon I serve my "fck you's" with a smile. It just has a better effect that way. Don't you think?
←Rate | 02-24-2010 12:22 by Samir Momin Comments (0)

   messageicon When I was little, I used to watch the raindrops roll down the window and see which one "won"
←Rate | 06-20-2011 22:04 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.
←Rate | 04-27-2011 13:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS
←Rate | 09-14-2011 12:08 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..
←Rate | 07-25-2011 23:57 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon I feel the awful urge to call that asshole weatherman to let him know I just shoveled 12 inches of "partly cloudy" off my sidewalk.
←Rate | 12-20-2010 01:27 by Philly Bob Comments (1)

   messageicon Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"
←Rate | 08-10-2012 09:25 by Maureen Comments (0)

   messageicon Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 01:29 by Lewis S. Comments (0)

   messageicon Prince William's bachelor party is going to be weird. Imagine stuffing money with pictures of your grandma into a lap dancer's g-string
←Rate | 02-24-2011 16:33 by Kush Comments (3)

   messageicon Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.
←Rate | 10-14-2013 20:42 by Aaron Comments (0)

   messageicon I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
←Rate | 01-25-2011 17:48 Comments (0)

   messageicon They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
←Rate | 02-18-2012 08:06 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"
←Rate | 12-07-2011 13:30 by Czovczov Comments (0)

   messageicon Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!
←Rate | 03-13-2012 13:06 Comments (0)

   messageicon Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.
←Rate | 05-09-2012 12:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)

   messageicon Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all ¬†concerned and ask me how I know them. ¬†You can't be the pimp and the cop!
←Rate | 11-10-2011 20:31 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)

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