Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p
←Rate | 08-09-2010 20:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
←Rate | 01-25-2011 17:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.
←Rate | 09-30-2009 23:01 by Brantly Comments (0)  

   messageicon Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.
←Rate | 03-31-2010 12:17 by Shamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.
←Rate | 02-22-2010 17:02 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
←Rate | 07-20-2011 21:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
←Rate | 04-10-2012 01:15 by tomthedj Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.
←Rate | 04-30-2012 11:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
←Rate | 03-02-2012 13:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
←Rate | 09-02-2012 06:08 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?
←Rate | 01-19-2011 14:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)  

   messageicon Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?
←Rate | 04-12-2010 20:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
←Rate | 05-23-2010 22:16 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his left foot and yelled, "F*ck me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
←Rate | 01-28-2012 17:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.
←Rate | 08-19-2011 00:09 by Seth Comments (0)  

   messageicon This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.
←Rate | 10-13-2013 12:30 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.
←Rate | 09-11-2013 08:25 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally used to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.
←Rate | 04-18-2012 21:14 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
←Rate | 06-10-2010 05:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. That's why I've taken all my cash and converted it to safe, stable iTunes gift cards.
←Rate | 08-07-2011 06:56 Comments (0)  

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