Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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Page: 25 of 5370

   messageicon I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
←Rate | 10-23-2012 11:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??
←Rate | 11-13-2012 01:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.
←Rate | 03-28-2013 05:13 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say, "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd
←Rate | 10-07-2012 08:56 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm already an idiot, I just need a village
←Rate | 04-23-2013 08:19 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
←Rate | 03-05-2014 13:48 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.
←Rate | 04-06-2014 20:55 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.
←Rate | 01-01-2016 19:35 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
←Rate | 10-05-2013 10:54 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
←Rate | 04-16-2016 08:19 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon "No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners
←Rate | 03-11-2015 09:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.
←Rate | 07-12-2012 14:16 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.
←Rate | 04-18-2012 20:33 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant...
←Rate | 06-07-2010 00:07 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
←Rate | 04-15-2015 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.
←Rate | 04-27-2015 22:28 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them
←Rate | 08-08-2014 01:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I finally found my girlfriends G spot.. Turns out her sister had it .
←Rate | 06-25-2016 19:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....
←Rate | 04-25-2016 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'
←Rate | 04-30-2016 08:05 Comments (0)  

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