Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.
←Rate | 03-07-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...
←Rate | 03-10-2018 21:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 15:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.
←Rate | 03-25-2018 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!
←Rate | 03-28-2018 11:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
←Rate | 03-29-2018 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 12:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.
←Rate | 04-12-2018 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress
←Rate | 04-13-2018 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!
←Rate | 04-13-2018 14:51 Comments (1)  

   messageicon All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money
←Rate | 12-14-2016 00:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 02:14 Comments (0)  

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