Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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Page: 25 of 5480

   messageicon In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.
←Rate | 01-06-2011 19:30 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
←Rate | 11-22-2011 14:16 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  

   messageicon if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is
←Rate | 05-17-2012 22:04 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
←Rate | 05-10-2011 00:18 by zd Comments (0)  

   messageicon If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
←Rate | 09-25-2010 02:02 by @truebeachbabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.
←Rate | 10-24-2010 15:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.
←Rate | 08-02-2012 12:12 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
←Rate | 03-20-2012 14:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small tits
←Rate | 12-13-2011 05:30 by G0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!
←Rate | 02-13-2013 11:09 by Kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree, and banged every guy on your way down..?
←Rate | 05-27-2011 18:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Confucius say: Man who go to sleep with sexual problem, wake up with solution in hand....
←Rate | 02-04-2010 22:21 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 100 people get swine flu and everyone wears a mask... 1,000 people get aids and no one wears a condom... Makes you wonder a little...
←Rate | 03-28-2010 09:57 by @abhicoolz Comments (0)  

   messageicon TIP: If you've forgotten your Bluetooth headset, wearing sunglasses indoors is an equally effective douchebag indicator.
←Rate | 05-13-2010 10:57 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
←Rate | 11-08-2010 00:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ~• << Picture of me when I was younger.
←Rate | 12-03-2011 19:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.
←Rate | 01-13-2012 13:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.
←Rate | 01-25-2012 09:52 by Griff Comments (0)  

   messageicon If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.
←Rate | 08-22-2011 16:35 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
←Rate | 09-02-2011 11:35 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

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