Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 25 of 5596

   messageicon If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
←Rate | 03-05-2014 13:48 Comments (2)  

   messageicon The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
←Rate | 12-03-2013 08:29 by JEBI Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.
←Rate | 04-19-2010 13:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.
←Rate | 11-18-2011 09:24 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....
←Rate | 02-05-2012 14:00 by @clarkysj Comments (0)  

   messageicon RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.
←Rate | 02-18-2012 12:10 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.
←Rate | 04-20-2011 21:48 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
←Rate | 02-04-2011 13:24 by DrSAJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come today is Monday when yesterday was only Friday??
←Rate | 12-03-2012 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?
←Rate | 07-15-2012 17:21 by Jitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.
←Rate | 05-02-2013 06:28 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.
←Rate | 05-30-2010 05:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
←Rate | 01-17-2010 02:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nice try, generic Cap'n Crunch, but the roof of my mouth isn't bleeding....
←Rate | 10-19-2016 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
←Rate | 12-13-2014 13:11 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm allergic to gluten free diets.
←Rate | 12-23-2014 15:46 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's usually the ones with the dirtiest hands pointing the fingers.
←Rate | 01-26-2017 11:08 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.
←Rate | 03-02-2017 10:24 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .
←Rate | 03-04-2017 15:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'
←Rate | 04-30-2016 08:05 Comments (0)  

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