Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off

Search Messages:
Page: 25 of 5140

   messageicon I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.
←Rate | 07-28-2014 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.
←Rate | 02-17-2014 07:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.
←Rate | 01-06-2015 03:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.
←Rate | 02-10-2015 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
←Rate | 02-18-2015 21:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:36 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures
←Rate | 10-17-2015 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH
←Rate | 09-03-2014 05:32 by Guy Fawkes Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
←Rate | 09-06-2014 15:57 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
←Rate | 02-27-2013 13:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn't tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
←Rate | 04-01-2013 21:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.
←Rate | 11-08-2012 12:30 by Czovczov Comments (1)  

   messageicon The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is getting the whole soap/personal care section all to yourself.
←Rate | 12-20-2012 11:05 by @topherjordan Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every New Year we make a resolution to change ourselves… maybe this year try making a resolution to be yourself!
←Rate | 12-31-2012 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.
←Rate | 01-08-2013 17:12 by minnie haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...
←Rate | 01-11-2013 13:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.
←Rate | 01-18-2013 05:00 by equaloppjoker Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.
←Rate | 07-14-2012 12:35 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together a much better place!!!
←Rate | 07-24-2012 16:55 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left