Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons
←Rate | 11-17-2013 11:54 by cpaman Comments (0)  

   messageicon It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.
←Rate | 03-23-2010 15:34 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"
←Rate | 11-10-2010 11:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 21:19 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.
←Rate | 08-07-2012 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
←Rate | 12-25-2012 19:24 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
←Rate | 01-07-2013 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 14:10 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
←Rate | 07-11-2011 18:48 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.
←Rate | 06-06-2011 21:52 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
←Rate | 05-17-2011 16:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.
←Rate | 07-28-2014 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.
←Rate | 09-29-2010 18:48 by @truebeachbabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon : More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff c*cks and no f***ing idea why!
←Rate | 04-22-2010 06:09 by Duncan Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..
←Rate | 05-07-2010 00:40 by @akshay7890 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks God will still love me if I don't annoy 15 of my friends with some stupid chain email.
←Rate | 01-14-2010 08:15 by marymc Comments (2)  

   messageicon How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.
←Rate | 02-06-2012 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
←Rate | 09-20-2012 14:30 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
←Rate | 10-23-2012 11:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."
←Rate | 02-28-2013 18:38 by Aaron Comments (0)  

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