Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Accidentally used to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.
←Rate | 04-18-2012 21:14 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
←Rate | 05-30-2012 14:29 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.
←Rate | 12-06-2010 20:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
←Rate | 06-07-2010 21:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
←Rate | 06-10-2010 05:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.
←Rate | 07-06-2011 18:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. That's why I've taken all my cash and converted it to safe, stable iTunes gift cards.
←Rate | 08-07-2011 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!
←Rate | 03-15-2011 06:28 by Bill Comments (0)  

   messageicon This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."
←Rate | 05-23-2011 13:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
←Rate | 10-27-2010 09:12 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
←Rate | 10-16-2009 09:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure, whitepeople can't say the "n-word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "hey dad"
←Rate | 09-11-2014 21:24 by StonerDudee Comments (1)  

   messageicon Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!
←Rate | 01-22-2011 21:09 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.
←Rate | 11-30-2011 10:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...
←Rate | 03-10-2012 14:30 by Jon Comments (0)  

   messageicon discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters. Here we go again, here's 2 dressed as policemen.....
←Rate | 10-31-2011 18:50 by ryanb741 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.
←Rate | 09-17-2013 02:28 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
←Rate | 03-31-2013 14:33 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen
←Rate | 04-23-2011 07:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:49 by Gman Comments (0)  

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