Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.
←Rate | 07-14-2011 18:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!
←Rate | 07-04-2011 19:11 by delburtington Comments (0)  


   messageicon Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.
←Rate | 08-29-2011 18:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two blondes fall down a pit. First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..." Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."
←Rate | 10-06-2011 15:33 Comments (0)  




   messageicon Heard that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Danny Devitto".
←Rate | 04-01-2011 00:58 by funnier than yours Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”
←Rate | 04-06-2011 17:49 Comments (1)  


   messageicon How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
←Rate | 02-09-2013 21:53 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.
←Rate | 06-22-2013 22:57 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.
←Rate | 11-11-2012 14:41 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
←Rate | 07-15-2014 04:37 by andrew jackson Comments (3)  


   messageicon Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 20:29 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
←Rate | 01-24-2011 17:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.
←Rate | 09-16-2010 18:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.
←Rate | 12-19-2011 02:46 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.
←Rate | 12-30-2011 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with
←Rate | 04-16-2012 16:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.
←Rate | 02-28-2012 13:49 by Canadian25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?
←Rate | 10-23-2011 14:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a b!tch.
←Rate | 08-02-2011 21:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
←Rate | 09-04-2011 19:55 by Aaron Comments (0)  



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