Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
←Rate | 02-24-2014 10:00 by peter Brajkovich Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
←Rate | 05-11-2014 13:56 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...
←Rate | 05-05-2013 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.
←Rate | 02-20-2013 12:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party
←Rate | 10-01-2012 22:42 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wished I was in a gang so I'd know what to do with my hand in pictures
←Rate | 10-17-2012 10:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."
←Rate | 02-09-2013 21:45 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.
←Rate | 02-07-2012 09:07 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store
←Rate | 05-02-2012 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.
←Rate | 03-12-2012 06:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.
←Rate | 04-04-2012 15:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....
←Rate | 04-08-2012 08:17 by Ballysboots Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to know anything, come over to my wife apparently knows everything.
←Rate | 01-24-2012 09:25 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!
←Rate | 07-11-2012 12:50 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nobody likes the guy who stands in the corner of the elevator, hoarding the buttons. Then he asks; what floor? And he smiles, like he's doing you a favor. I WANNA HIT THE BUTTON.
←Rate | 11-17-2011 22:39 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots
←Rate | 04-12-2011 23:29 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.
←Rate | 08-20-2010 15:53 by jdpower Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 18:54 by Billy Comments (0)  

   messageicon People give all kinds of excuses to the cellphone guys at the mall as to why they won't stop. "I have a phone with you guys already," or "I just signed a new contract." Personally, I like to cut to the chase with, "I hate you guys."
←Rate | 09-03-2010 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.
←Rate | 09-03-2010 06:36 Comments (0)  

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