Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.
←Rate | 01-25-2012 09:52 by Griff Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter
←Rate | 08-07-2011 02:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
←Rate | 09-02-2011 11:35 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?
←Rate | 02-22-2011 11:02 by MyClueIs Comments (1)  

   messageicon wants my 1,519 FB friends to know I love you all..except sir..are a asshole.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 18:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??
←Rate | 12-22-2010 15:30 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.
←Rate | 12-14-2010 21:25 by Nunthewizr Comments (1)  

   messageicon Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:09 by MBH Comments (3)  

   messageicon ~Hint to the obvious~ If a fan page or group requires you to invite all your friends on your friend list, it will not do what it promises, unless it promises to piss off your friends.
←Rate | 02-15-2010 13:54 by bigedusw Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really did'nt want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
←Rate | 12-28-2009 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who came up with hugs? The very first hug must have been really creepy. “What are you doing? Why are you holding me?” “Just trust me.”
←Rate | 02-22-2011 19:54 by Speed Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
←Rate | 07-14-2011 01:18 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor
←Rate | 05-04-2011 16:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine
←Rate | 05-09-2011 07:22 by Banjaxed Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.
←Rate | 01-19-2012 03:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...
←Rate | 09-06-2012 17:10 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.
←Rate | 03-30-2013 17:49 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...
←Rate | 04-30-2010 09:51 Comments (1)  

   messageicon How is illegal to talk on phone while driving in new york but its legal for the guy from cash cab to host a television show while driving?
←Rate | 09-23-2010 19:01 by @TeeWuu86 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.
←Rate | 08-18-2010 12:40 by Shamus Comments (0)  

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