Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.

   Well, well, well… if it isn’t all my “we’ll deal with it in January” chickens come home to roost.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   Why are deliveries on a ship called cargo, but in a car, it’s called a shipment?

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   I would rather someone steal my identity than remember another password.

   Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   Cognitive Dissonance ~ Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they’re presented with evidence against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.

   Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.

   No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of booze out of them at the office meeting.

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   Mike Hunt is bald

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏

   An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.

   Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.