Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   Cognitive Dissonance ~ Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they’re presented with evidence against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.

   Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.

   No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of booze out of them at the office meeting.

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏

   An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.

   Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.

   Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.

   R.I.P boiled water, you will be mist.

   When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   I hide at work, because a good employee is hard to find.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   Have you ever been so mad that you were calm?

   The same people who are candy to our eyes can be poison to our hearts. Study their ingredients before feeding them to your soul.