Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   Anyone know how to get a club soda stain out?

   Pride day is a month long, yet Vererans day is only one day....Please explain

   I wonder if clothes in china say made around the corner

   Just found a $20 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   The U.S. uses a 60Hz electrical system. England uses a 50Hz electrical system. This is because the U.S. revolted in 1776.

   The New NHL teams name is The Seattle Kraken .... Their fans will be known as Krak heads

   DWI attorneys would be smart to buy ad space on Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

   If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

   I'm smart enough to know that the Canadian 'sludge' in the Keystone pipeline was going to the Gulf of Mexico to be refined into gas, as Canada has only a few refineries of their own.

   If a woman marries a man who already has grandchilden, does that make her an Instagram?

   A new study found that drinking pop is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, pop is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the heck's the point man?

   A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

   My neighbor man came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   Ten should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy...

   Remember, if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

   I regret getting the vaccine. I am now having too much fun and spending too much money.