Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..

   When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

   *Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.

   Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

   When I first started growing a beard I didn't really like it but after some time it started to grow on me.

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

   if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing

   : I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.

   The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”

   What's up with that song "Up on the housetop, reindeer paws"? Somebody wasn't paying attention in biology class...

   Social media invented the process of trash taking it self out.

   every summer people try to work on their "summer body" ...i've been working on my winter body for years

   I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a boss.

   Ever want to say I Don’t Know, without sounding stupid? Say this instead: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

   I've started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job. I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

   I'm so old I remember when people the only people who took something off your porch were called milkmen.

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

   Today is January 5. I still have quite a lot of last-minute shopping to do.

   It's getting warmer. The polar vortex that put the country into a deep freeze that past few years is now up north in Canada. Finally, payback for giving us Justin Bieber and Celine Dion.