aaron Funny Status Messages

   Time to put on my best sexual harrassment suit. It's much like my birthday suit, just... Okay, it's exactly like my birthday suit.

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   Not only am I a master of suspense but I

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.

   Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.

   deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

   It is often said cooking is an art. But I have very few meals that I would hang on my wall.

   You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.

   The great tragedy of the cactus is that their arms are always open, eagerly anticipating the hug that will never come.

   When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.

   Sign language: it's very handy.