Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."

   If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   I'm the author of my life.Unfortunately I'm writing in pen so I can't erase my mistakes