Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.

   What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?

   Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

   I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.

   I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila and Produce to pay for this wall.

   You want to gauge how dumb people are these days? No, don't look at Dept. of Education stats, SAT scores or even IQ's. Listen closely to someone ahead of you at a fast food drive thru place an order.

   Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.

   This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".

   I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

   Curiously enough, pulling out of Trumpcare is also the GOP's new birth control strategy.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie

   When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.