Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green. 
When her favorite song comes on she shakes the a$$ like a pro but can't ride a d*ck to save her life
Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors anyway...the whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f**king have any
Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.
On a scale from Casey Anthony to Penn State, how much do you love children?
I like to scare deaf people by yawning at them.
Single mothers had mothers day, they dont do the role of a dad so grow up
A guy with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says "heyt. There's a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants." The guy says " yeah, and it's driving me nuts".
Forget a "dislike" button , id rather have a "This makes me want to punch you in the freakin throat" button
has been having 3-somes with hot twins. My friends ask how I tell them apart. Its easy... Lisa is the one with long blond hair and Luke is the one with the six pack and hairy legs
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status', do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
created an idiot proof facebook status, click >HERE< to see it
My chinese friend died last week. So Yung
"Ooh, the game was tonight?"- God
With gold prices so high, and considering how much Goldschläger that I drink, I'm taking my turds down to cash4gold.
Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Today may be Valentines day, but men will get their revenge in exactly one month....March 14th, look it up.
Tom Cruise is calling for boycott of McDonalds because there isn't enough pictures of L. Ron Hubbard on the McNugget box..... See how stupid it sounds when it's not your religion?
It's sad when people on welfare make more money than I do
Don't judge my Playboy subscription, You "Fifty Shades of Grey" reading Harlots! 