Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Single mothers had mothers day, they dont do the role of a dad so grow up

   Forget a "dislike" button , id rather have a "This makes me want to punch you in the freakin throat" button

   A guy with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says "heyt. There's a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants." The guy says " yeah, and it's driving me nuts".

   has been having 3-somes with hot twins. My friends ask how I tell them apart. Its easy... Lisa is the one with long blond hair and Luke is the one with the six pack and hairy legs

   People always ask me, where do I come up with my status', do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.

   created an idiot proof facebook status, click >HERE< to see it

   My chinese friend died last week. So Yung

   "Ooh, the game was tonight?"- God

   With gold prices so high, and considering how much Goldschläger that I drink, I'm taking my turds down to cash4gold.

   Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin

   Today may be Valentines day, but men will get their revenge in exactly one month....March 14th, look it up.

   Tom Cruise is calling for boycott of McDonalds because there isn't enough pictures of L. Ron Hubbard on the McNugget box..... See how stupid it sounds when it's not your religion?

   It's sad when people on welfare make more money than I do

   Don't judge my Playboy subscription, You "Fifty Shades of Grey" reading Harlots!

   Obama, He's over in Kenya lecturing them on Gay rights, but three days ago ISIS threw two men from a roof and then stoned them to death for being gay and he never said a word

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   I don't blame Trump for speaking via Twitter. Far better to speak directly to the people than through a biased media who twists his every word.

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause

   I love seeing all these tolerant people bashing religion!

   Check One : [] single [] taken [X] climbin in yo window, snatchin yo people up.