sean Funny Status Messages

   "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.

   Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1% milk.

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   They deployed on Osama the minute he "checked in" to the mansion.... Well played Facebook.......

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..

   I don't think Chumbawumba is getting back up this time.

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   Fact: 82% of men that announce they are in the "Hiz-ouse" reside in their mom's "Biz-asement."

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.

   I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

   So the presidential election is between a grandma who can't figure out her email and a grandpa who believes every spam he receives? Great.