andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages

   "Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?

   If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   If you think the Harbaugh or Manning brothers are competitive, wait until you meet two friends of mine, named Niles and Frasier Crane.

   I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.

   I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

   A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

   The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.